Tik Tok

At first I didn't think this was real but I guess it is.

Fragments

I finished One for the Gods - the Gordon Merrick novel. The third one hasn't come yet and I requested both of them at the same time. grrrr.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I feel so weird. I'm listening to Madonna SSDI is going to fuck me over again. Why do I obsess on things. I'm bouncy in a caffeine sort of way but not really. Why does D complicate everything? I mean fill out the stupid form. I still think these self reporting forms is a trick in some way. The questions aren't really the questions. Paranoid? Anxiety is high. God, I am a Mess.

Psycho Boy is still at 202. I wonder if he will be gone by May 1st? I cannot stand his radio playing - murderous rage.

The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock - T.S. Eliot

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare eat a peach?
I shall wear white white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think they will sing to me.

I just can't figure out why the video clips are cropped. In preview in edit they look fine. One is able to waste time on the internets...

Psycho Boy didn't move out. D came into our room this morning to get him for a talk and then PB came back and took his clock radio. I wonder if he is going to be out by May 1st? He (supposedly) hates it at 202 so why is he staying and for that matter why is he always there. Oh well. I think he will go off his meds after he leaves. He seems like the type that will be cycling through group homes his entire life. Why do I care?

I saw this really hot black dude at the library but I thought he saw me looking at him so I left and went to another floor. I mean what was he going to do - yell "Don't look at me faggot!". Paranoid or Prudent?

I hate my life.

Boy and Boy Kiss

Art for Art's Sake

It took me forever to figure out how to add this photo - from the Indian movie Dunno Y...Na Jaane Kyun no translation? Anyway the first Indian movie to feature a same sex kiss (male?) too lazy to read the article...

I'll Cry Tomorrow

Psycho Boy is supposedly moving out today! I will believe it when he is gone. He was begging money from people last night so I don't know how he can afford to move. What does he do with his money? The only thing he buys is Mountain Dew and cigarettes. Pack of smokes range from $2 to $5. So I guess it can add up. Why do I care?

I'm at the library with my iced americano (how american of me) listening to Dinah Washington. The rain has stopped but it is gloomy outside which I like (a lot). I am totally dreading summer. The heat and endless light. April has been more like late May so I think this summer is going to be hot. I sweat like a whore in church when the temp gets to 60 degrees - 90 degrees is going to suck suck suck. I need to drop 70 more pounds. How did I get so fat? Eating and not leaving the apartment for five years could be a factor.

I am trying to me sarcastic and ironic in my writing but it just reads as stilted or disjointed. alas.

Corresponding Foreignly - Frank O'Hara

Then the radiators cracked and puffed and it did get warmer
but I dreamt of an anxiety the size of a public building,
something to race your car in and waken echoes.

yes yes "an anxiety the size of a public building" perfect capture of my feelings.

I'm reading One for the Gods - gay romace novel - sex novel? - from the 1950's. I first read the trilogy of Charlie (who I think is a jerk - but has a huge cock so I guess that explains all) and Peter the bottom boy when I was 16. I found them in a B Daltons or Waldens in Sioux Falls with racy cover et al. Jeez. Gordon Merrick describes them as both blond but I picture Charlie with dark hair and Peter blond - typical gay porn set up. I'm obessed with gay porn, I think, because it was the first truly gay image I had and it still seems most authentic - even "gay for pay". I haven't jerked off since December 22, 2009. The meds make it a lot easier to handle lack of "release" (How Victorian). And yet I think about sex a lot. ha.